This is a spur of the moment blog post, something that I’ve been thinking about writing but haven’t found the courage to do so. I care deeply about this blog, and I really want to put my all into running it. It’s just responsibilities outside blogging, that make this difficult.
I keep policing myself, I’m afraid that the kind of voice I want to have and the tone I’m striving for here on this blog may never work. I’m afraid my lack of skill in photography and graphic making will turn people off of giving my work a chance. There’s so much creative freedom in running a blog, so many avenues I can take this wonderful sliver of the internet down. Quite frankly, all that freedom terrifies me.
I recently quit my job, and despite how much I needed it, I don’t regret it. I’m not delusional enough to think that finding another job won’t have its share of issues, but I was feeling very drained and worn out while working there. It was affecting my schoolwork and just my general disposition to the people around me. Quitting was such a relief, such a weight off of my chest. It felt amazing to know that my last day was my very last day.
I’ve been having issues with my self image and my body. I know that I should love myself and that my body is MINE OWN, but it’s hard not feeling like I got the short end of the stick. I feel like I’m just too big while also not being big enough? If that makes any sense. I feel like I’m too small to really call myself plus size, but I’m also way to big to dress in close smaller than either a X of 1X. I would like to be one or the other. I’d like to either be large or small, not this awful in-between that makes fitting into clothing difficult.
The other day, Jason and I went shopping before a movie, it was a small celebration for my birthday. While I was trying on some interesting clothes, I took one look at the mirror and immediately lost all desire to shop. I felt insecure and unsure of myself for the rest of the day, and even know I find that I’ve lost my tenuous confidence.
I want to keep this blog a positive space of growth and creativity, but I feel like a large part of growth is acknowledging the harder parts. It’s been pretty hard for me lately, but I’m unwilling to give up. I’m doing things that make me uncomfortable, I’m working through my mental hang ups. Maybe I won’t feel the benefit of all my hard work now, but I’m doing this for Future Me. She deserves it.
If 2017 has been a rough year for you so far, feel free to comment and let me know. I’m always here to talk.