Have I Ever Been Satisfied

I'm going to make as many Hamilton and Angelica Schuyler references as possible because I am weak.

It is now Day 8 of my 30 Day Post Challenge, and I’d say we’ve gotten a pretty good groove going. I’m getting more comfortable with writing, finding my own voice, and I’ve gone from three followers to a number that’s above three. Everything’s amazing at the moment.

Which is when the Challenge Prompt pulls out the big guns. “Discuss a moment when you felt most satisfied with your life.”

I wanna just sing Satisfied, because Angelica Schuyler is a queen, and call it a day. Something tells me that wouldn’t be exactly fair to the spirit of the challenge. I mean, I can name things that satisfied me. Books, movies, albums, people! Naming momentary moments of satisfaction is easy, but a moment in which I was most satisfied with my life is a lot harder to pin down.

I think I’m just gonna be honest and say I have yet to experience it. I just try to enjoy myself in any situation life puts me in, I never stop to look at how I’m feeling to see if this is what satisfaction feels like. To quote Mimi Marquez from Rent (whom Renee Elise Goldsberry has played beautifully),

“There is no future,

There is no past,

I live this moment

As my last.”

Which, is a little too YOLO to make any sense in the real world, but after battling with anxiety and a whole host of other issues, I’ve found dwelling on each moment doesn’t do anything. I can’t focus on why I didn’t get the job, I can’t focus on why my essay didn’t do as well as expected. All I can do is decide that next time, I’ll do better. But today is today and I can’t change tomorrow or yesterday.

I really identify with Angelica Schuyler from Hamilton because I’m a big sister too and I deeply care for the happiness of all my siblings. I’d do anything I could for them if I had the means. But I don’t want to make a decision that I’m going regret like Angelica in the play seemed to.

I feel like this is a cop-out from the actual prompt but I also feel like this is an honest glimpse into who I am as a person. I don’t always have the answers so, at most, all I can do is be myself and be honestly me.

So, even though this doesn’t answer the question in a way I’m sure the challenge creator wanted me to, I feel like it’s true to me.

(I wrote this while listening to Out Tonight from Rent sung by Rosario Dawson.)
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